I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
