erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
