i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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