It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
