dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
