omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
