What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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