seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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