dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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