I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You can't special order awesome
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
