So drunk its hurt
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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