I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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