I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
