If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
