My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
