I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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