If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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