I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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