be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
