that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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