Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
