Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
