i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
