I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I need to calm my uterus...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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