You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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