you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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