I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize