Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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