I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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