I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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