we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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