he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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