Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
