if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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