why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
