Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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