just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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