Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
