What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
