also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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