Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
