we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is my gift to your gina
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize