headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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