ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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