Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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