I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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