Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
