What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
