Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I will be naked everywhere
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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