At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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