I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
