It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
