mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
jump out the window naked night went bad
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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