Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am midnight drunk by noon
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
