i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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