I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
