I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
