You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
