We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
