hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Randomize
